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I, Witness/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey! Watch it! Hank: Hey, Brent, I was driving the ball picker upper at the driving range and I had one of those, um, what do you call 'em? Brent Leroy: Hot dogs? Hank: No, epiphanies. Brent: That was my second guess. Wait a minute, you got a job driving the ball retriever? Hank: Job? You, you can get paid driving that thing? Brent: Don't you remember how we used to purposely drill balls at that guy all the time? Hank: Now you tell me to remember that. I almost died out there. My life flashed before my eyes. Hey, Brent, I was driving the ball picker upper at the... Brent: Was that last one from like 30 seconds ago? Hank: It was a magical time. Davis Quinton: Oh, boy, did I ever trick Karen. Brent: Details. Davis: Well, there's a police conference comin' and they want me to give a talk. Brent: What's the subject, napping? Davis: Better. Unreliability of eye witness testimony. Brent: Oh, is eye witness testimony unreliable? Davis: What do I care? Wanda Dollard: Actually, it is pretty unreliable. There were a lot of studies. Brent: This is Davis's story. Stop lording your knowledge over us. Wanda: I'm not lording. I just know a little about the subject. Like the French study in 1988, which... Brent: Lording. Davis: Can I tell my Karen trick? Brent: Please. Davis: Well, I told them I wouldn't do the talk. And then I told them that Karen would do it, and then I made Karen do it instead. Good trick, eh? Brent: Well, uh, it's not what you'd call devious. Wanda: I did a paper on that in my second year. Brent: What, on guys who don't know what a trick is? Wanda: No. On eye witness testimony. Davis: That's the last time I tell you about my tricks. Wanda: Maybe I should help Karen. Brent: That's a good idea. That way you get to show off your know-it-alliness. Wanda: I was just being helpful. Eight out of ten people appreciate... Brent: Lording. Karen Pelly: Hey, Lacey. Lacey Burrows: Hey, Karen. Karen: Can you believe Davis? He just told... Lacey: Sorry. I'm just trying to overhear Emma and Oscar. Karen: You're just being nosey. Lacey: No. Those are my customers. That is not nosiness. That's thoughtfulness. Karen: My mistake. Oscar Leroy: No, that's it. I'm not doin' it. Emma Leroy: You're being cruel. I never ask you to do anything. Oscar: What are you talking about? You ask me to do stuff all the time. Emma: Oscar, can you pass me the milk? Oscar: And I got a lot more examples. Emma: Do we have to do this in public? Oscar: It's just Lacey, and she doesn't care. Lacey: I care. I, I mean I, I wasn't listening. But I care, in a non-nosey way. More thoughtful. Oscar: It doesn't matter. I want there to be witnesses. I'm not playing bridge with you anymore. That's it. Lacey: This is about bridge? Emma: Stop being nosey. Lacey: Thoughtful. Emma: Thoughtful would be trying to help me find a new partner. Lacey: Emma I...you and Oscar have a lot invested in this marriage. Emma: A new bridge partner. Lacey: Oh. Wanda: Hey, Karen. I hear you're... Karen: Look at Lacey. She always assumes people can't solve their own problems. What a know-it-all. Wanda: Oohff, yeah. No one needs someone just barging in on their problems like that. Well, I'm off. Karen: You just got here. Where are you goin'? Wanda: Mind your own business, nosey. Hank: I had an epiphany. Brent: So you said. Hank: No, no, no. I had another epiphany about my epiphany. It was life changing. Brent: Right, life changing, super. Uh, did you ask Karen if you could help her? Wanda: Oh, I got to thinking, there's a slight I could come across as a know-it-all. Brent: Really? Wanda: So I'm going to manipulate Karen into asking for help, by showing her how much I know about psychology. Brent: I see. So your plan to not come across as a know-it-all is to act like a know-it-all. That's quite the twistaroo. Hank: Uh, excuse me? I was just talkin' about my epiphany. Wanda: You had an epiphany? Hank: Two, in a row. Brent: He's tantric. Hank: Yeah. And from now on, I'm going to live each day like it's my last. Wanda: All of a sudden I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Brent: All right, I'll bite. What are you going to be now? Spaceman, fireman, space fireman? Hank: As much as I respect those guys, no. The next time you see me, I'll be a rodeo clown. Brent: In space? Wanda: Fingers crossed. Emma: What I need is someone to play bridge with, that I don't care that much about. Do you play bridge, Lacey? Lacey: Yeah. I, uh, played a lot of euchre when I was younger, and a little bridge. My Mom said that I had card sense. Young Lacey: Hey, Mom, do you want to play cards? Lacey's Mom: Well, you don't have fashion sense, a sense of humour, or a sense of direction, and no common sense. Maybe you have card sense. Lacey: I had a very supportive mother. So, yeah, I'll play cards with ya. Emma: Maybe we should get together later and go over some conventions. Lacey: Hmm? Emma: Bidding conventions? I thought you said you knew how to play. Lacey: I do. We, uh we just called them something different. We called them buttaboos. Emma: Oh, you, you didn't just make up a word because you were caught in a lie? Lacey: No. We called them buttaboos. I'll see ya. Wanda: Hey, Karen, mind if I join you? I want to show you something. Karen: I'm trying to get my head wrapped around this eye witness testimony talk I'm giving, so... Wanda: Oh, how interesting. Well, this is psychology too. See these words? Red, green, and blue, written out in different colours? What do you think of that? Karen: I'm either uninterested or disinterested. I always get those two mixed up. Wanda: Just try it. Read the words. Karen: Red, blue, green, blue, green, red. Wanda: Great. Now, instead of reading the words, I want you to tell me what colour the ink is. Karen: Blue green red. Hmm, that is harder. Wanda: Yeah. It's called Stroop Interference, named after the guy who came up with it. Karen: Oh. So what's happening here could be called Wanda Interference. Emma: This is gonna be fun. Now let's go over conventions. What do you play after one no-trump? Staymen or Jacoby? I prefer forcing Staymen, myself, but I can play transfers too. What about you, Lacey? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Lacey. Well, which is it? Lacey: Uh, the first thing. Emma: How do you want to play interference in slam bidding? Lacey: Hah. I'm not really sure. Uh... Emma: Dopey? Lacey: You know, you don't have to be rude. Emma: O stands for odd, and E for even. D-O-P-E. So, if you have an odd number of aces, you double, or D, and if you have an even number, including zero, you pass, or P. Lacey: Is that new wallpaper? Oscar: Hey, dopey, are you glad you volunteered for this? Lacey: Does he have to be here? Emma: I say that every morning when I wake up. Wanda: Obviously the Stroop Interference was a little too esoteric for Karen. Brent: The word esoteric is a little too esoteric for me. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you should ask her if she needs your help. Wanda: How will that help me to not look like a know-it-all? Brent: It won't. But it will help me not hear about it anymore. Oscar: That stupid Lacey. She's always buttin' her nose into other people's business. Brent: Acting like a bit of a know-it-all? Oscar: Yeah. She doesn't know it all. She knows nothing. Wanda: She's the antithesis of a know-it-all. Oscar: What the hell are you talking about, Know-It-All? Brent: See? Oscar: So what does antiphibisous mean? Brent: It's kind of esoteric. Davis: Hey, come on now, kids. Not too hard. I'm getting complaints. Dodgeball Teen 1: Hey, who are you, telling me not to throw hard? Dodgeball Teen 2: Hey, who are you callin' kids? Davis: Hey, now! Come on, that's enough. Stop it! Okay, now stop! Aaah! Hank: Woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo! Look at me, look at me! Dodgeball Teen 1: What's your problem? Hank: Oh! Hey, ignore him. Look at me! Woo-woo! Woo-woo! Woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo! Dodgeball Teen 2: Have fun being a psycho. Hank: Woo-woo! Woo. Davis: Thanks, Hank. Hank: So this is what it feels like to live. Davis: Sure. Oscar: You don't really know how to play bridge, do ya? Lacey: Yes, I do. It's, it's like Sergeant Major or Whist. Oscar: Do you even know about the dummy? Lacey: I think you mean dopey. Oscar: The dummy is when you put the cards down and your partner plays the hand. So what you should do is fix the bidding so you're never the declarer. A woodchuck, woodchuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Dummy. What are you staring at? I'm trying to help ya. Stop being esoteric and pay attention. Wanda: Hey, Karen. How's it going? Karen: Looks like it could rain, you know? Clouds building up over... Wanda: Oh, yeah. That's cool. Anyways, I remembered another psychology experiment. Karen: Oh. Well, I should get going, before the rain. Wanda: This one's really great. Hey, Brent, you want to get in on a psychology test? Brent: I didn't know how to ask. Wanda: Okay. We want someone to come in, then I yell out, "What's four times five?" And then you yell out, at the top of your lungs, "Nineteen!" even though we know the answer is twenty. And then we wait, to see how long it takes the person to conform to the group. Karen: You didn't tell me this was gonna be fun too. Wanda: Heh. Oh, here comes Oscar. We'll use him. Brent: I always knew Dad would be part of a psychological test one day. Oscar: What are you jackasses doin'? Wanda: We're not jackasses. We're doing a fun math quiz. Karen: Now that I hear it, we are jackasses. Wanda: What's four times five?! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Nineteen! Oscar: Twenty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Oscar: Twenty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Oscar: Twenty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Oscar: Twenty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Oscar: Twenty-one! Twenty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Oscar: Twenty-one! Fitzy Fitzgerald: What's going on? Wanda: I asked them what four times five is. Oscar: Nineteen! Brent and Karen: Twenty-one! Fitzy: It's twenty. Math Denizen: Yeah, Fitzy's right. Oscar: Twenty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Oscar: Twenty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Fitzy: Twenty! Oscar: Twenty-one! Fitzy: Twenty! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Wanda: Okay, that's not quite how it's supposed to work! Oscar: Let's do another one. Six times seven. Come on, six times seven. Math Denizen: Uh, 42? Brent: Nineteen! Oscar: Forty-one! Forty-one! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Math Denizen: Forty-two! Brent and Karen: Nineteen! Nineteen! Wanda: Get out! Emma: Thanks again for doing this. Lacey: No one wants to talk to us. Emma: Well, that's because of Oscar. He can be a little off-putting. Lacey: Your Oscar? I don't believe it. Emma: Let's play. And remember, have fun. Hank: Yeah, some people go their lives without havin' an epiphany. Me, I'm havin' 'em like crazy. Davis: Well, becoming a rodeo clown is an admirable pursuit. They're real life heroes, only funnier, and in baggier pants. Hank: Yeah. I, I, I, I didn't really do my research. There's not a lot of rodeos around here. Davis: You know, I sometimes find myself in some pretty scary situations. Maybe you can help the force. Hank: Like a superhero. Davis: Well, I'm just a cop doin' my job. Hank: No, no, I meant me. Davis: Yeah, you too. Karen: Okay, it, it must be almost full. That's good enough. Brent: Geez, you're really in a rush to get outta here. Karen: Oh, no offence, but Wanda has been a little, uh... Wanda: Semantic priming is a fascinating phenomenon. Karen: Hurry. Quick. Wanda: That's an excellent example. Brent: Karen, why don't you ask Wanda if she'll help you with your talk? Karen: Do you know anything about psychology? Wanda: Are you kidding? I know it all. Emma: You shoulda known I had long spades, because I bid them twice. You shoulda known I had long spades, because I bid them twice. Lacey: Hey, I understood you. Emma: And when I played my diamond eight on your ace, it was a suit preference signal. Blah, blah, blah, blah, Lacey. Blah, blah, blah, Lacey. So you should have returned a heart. Lacey: What happened to "Let's have fun"? Emma: I have fun when I win. Oscar: Davis, my neighbour has dandelions and the seeds are goin' in my yard. Davis: Yeah, Oscar. I should really get going. Oscar: I pay your salary. I want you to go over there...what are you doin' that for? Are you siccin' the dogs on me? Hank: Woo-woo-woo! Woo! Woo-woo-woo! Woo-woo-woo! Woo! Oscar: Now what's this nimrod doin'? Hank: Woo-woo-woo! Look at me! Look at me! Oscar: I am lookin' at ya, jackass. Davis, use your night stick on this idiot! Davis! Emma: Next time don't be afraid to bid, or take a trick, or follow the most basic of instructions that I spell out for you. Lacey: I appreciate the advice. Oscar: Good game? Lacey: Yes, it was fine. Oscar: Emma can be a little nasty when she gets competitive. Lacey: She was fine. You see, I like being yelled at. It builds character and helps prepare me if I ever decide to join the Marines. Oscar: I guess you owe me an apology. Lacey: Owe you an apology? Why didn't you tell me she was so competitive? Oscar: Why would I do that? Thanks to your nosiness, I'm off the hook. Very thoughtful of ya. Davis: Just get that taillight fixed as soon as you can. Ticket Denizen: Will do. Thanks. Hank: Woo! Woo! Look at me! Look at me! Woo! Davis: That's okay, Hank. Everything's okay. Hank: Woo-woo-woo! Look at me! Look at me! Davis: I didn't even whistle. Everything's okay! Karen: Where's my pointer? Where's my pointer? Wanda: Geez, relax. Karen: Uh, I'm just, I'm not good with crowds. Wanda: It's fine. You're experiencing what's known as a mild panic attack. Karen: Thanks, Dr. Obvious. Wanda: Sweaty palms, awareness of stomach movements, frequent urges to go to the bathroom. Karen: You'd think a know-it-all would know when to clam up. Davis: I have to get Hank to stop. Brent: I wonder how many times I've heard that phrase. Why? What's he doin'? Davis: He thinks he's a superhero rodeo clown. Brent: Oh, yeah. Well, it might be difficult to get him to stop. According to the rodeo clown code, they have to be seriously injured before they can quit. Davis: How do you know so much about the rodeo clown code? Brent: I just made that up. Davis: So what should I do? Should I trick him? I'm good at trickin' people. Brent: Uh, no, you should probably just tell him straight out. Davis: Hey, you're his best friend. Do you think you could tell him? Brent: Sure. Davis: He-he-hey-hey. Tricked ya into doin' it. Davis does it again. Brent: So, do you want me to tell him or not? Lacey: Tell who what? Brent: Oh, that's right, you haven't been around. Hank had an epiphany and decided to fulfill his lifelong ambition, which this week is to be a rodeo clown who helps the police. Lacey: So, how are you going to tell him? Brent: I'm just going to be direct. Lacey: That's what I'm going to do, just be direct. Instead of ignoring my interpersonal conflict with someone, I am going to take ownership of my feelings. And I, Diana Prince, Queen of the Amazons, will fight, with my magic lasso and my golden bracelets. Onward, fellow Justice Leaguers. And thanks, Brent. Brent: Huh? Oh, you're, you're welcome. Karen: Man, there's a lotta cops out there. Wanda: Think of Davis. He's counting on you. Karen: I'm tired of his tricks. I'm not doing Davis's work for him. Wanda: You're manufacturing an excuse for not doing this. Karen: Yeah. I need to manufacture an excuse to not do this. I need to chicken out, to show Davis I can't be bullied. Wanda: But I did all this work! Karen: That's the excuse. You did all the work. Thanks, Wanda. Hank: What? Give up my dream? Brent: Yeah. Sorry I had to be the one to tell ya. Hank: Oh, man. I finally find somethin' I'm good at. What am I going to do now? Brent: Space fireman? Hank: I looked into it. I'm too short. Hey, I could be the guy that drives the ball picker upper at the driving range. Hank: Ah! Oh, right, the balls! Wanda: Hello. I'm Officer Karen Pelly. And today I would like to give a talk on how unreliable eye witness testimony can be. As Elizabeth Loftus said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Brent: Do you need somethin', Dad, some anti-giggle medicine or... Oscar: I'm just laughin' at Lacey. She was playin' bridge with your mother and caught a glimpse of her dark side. Brent: Oh-ooh, that is rough. Boy, when Mom plays cards, she can be a...wait a minute. Would you say this is an interpersonal conflict? Oscar: What? Brent: Oh, no. Lacey's about to take ownership of her feelings. Mom won't like that one bit. Emma: So what did you want to tell me? Lacey: I didn't want to do this at The Ruby. Emma: I understand. Lacey: You do? Emma: You wanted to apologize for how badly you played. I'd be embarrassed too, if I were you. Apology accepted. Lacey: Okay, Emma, you're not a very good person to play bridge with. You're too competitive. I assumed it was Oscar's fault. It's yours. Emma: You're saying I'm the problem? Lacey: Mm-hmm. Emma: How dare you come into my home... Hank: Woo! Woo-woo-woo! Woo! Hey! Woo, look at me! Look at me! Woo-woo-woo! Emma: Hank, what are you doing? Hank: Get outta here now! Lacey: What? Hank: Go! Woo! Woo-woo-woo! Lacey: I thought Hank quit. Brent: I brought him out of retirement, to save you. Lacey: But, Brent, you're the one that told me to be direct. Brent: Sometimes I just make stuff up. Geez, you'd think people would know that by now. Hank: Oh, God, no! No tickling! Oh, no tickle! No! Lacey: Is Hank gonna be okay? Brent: Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't look back. Davis: Karen, good job on that talk. Karen: Very funny. You don't have to be a jerk. Davis: I'm not. You were good. I mean I don't agree with your thesis that eye witness counts are unreliable, but well presented. Karen: What are you talking about? Wanda filled in for me. Wanda gave the talk. Davis: I'm not fallin' for one of your psychological mind games. You can't trick a trickster. Karen: No, I'm serious. Go ask Wanda if you don't believe me. Davis: Where is Wanda, anyway? Emma: This should be fun. My last partner was a little stunned. Wanda: Just remember, if we get a two no-trump opening, we go with the Puppet Staymen. Then a three club response could at least promise game going values. Emma: Shut up, ya stupid know-it-all! Category:Transcripts